It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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