I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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