and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
