I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
