All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
