2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
