This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
