I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
