Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
