i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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