Acid is not a monday night drug
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
