Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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