My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
