At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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