that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
