If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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