gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
