your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my liver is dry heaving
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
