Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
