Who did Billy Mays play for?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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