I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you will always have a special place in my vag
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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