You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
