I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
