My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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