So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
