There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
