Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
