Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I see more hoeing in ur future
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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