I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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