I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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