I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
