she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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