After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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