i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
