the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
