You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
