i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
