Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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