You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We're too hungover to prance.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
