well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
