That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Randomize
