did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
