This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
