Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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