i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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