get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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