I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
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My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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