the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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