i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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