Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
