I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
50% drunk capacity currently
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
