Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
