So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
