Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
